How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen

“Human beings need recognition as much as they need food and water. No crueler punishment can be devised than to not see someone, to render them unimportant or invisible. ‘The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them,’ George Bernard Shaw wrote, ‘but to be indifferent to them: that’s the essence of inhumanity.’ To do that is to say: You don’t matter. You don’t exist.”

Brooks conveys the importance of recognition and visibility in human relationships. He considers an individual’s need for acknowledgment and validation as important as the basic necessities like food and water. By quoting George Bernard Shaw, Brooks emphasizes the inhumanity inherent in indifference. He explores the detrimental impact of societal indifference and asserts that recognizing and acknowledging each other’s humanity is fundamental for promoting meaningful connections and combating the dehumanizing effects of neglect.

“In every crowd there are Diminishers and there are Illuminators. Diminishers make people feel small and unseen. They see other people as things to be used, not as persons to be befriended. They stereotype and ignore. They are so involved with themselves that other people are just not on their radar screen. Illuminators, on the other hand, have a persistent curiosity about other people. They have been trained or have trained themselves in the craft of understanding others.”

Brooks distinguishes between two archetypes within social dynamics: Diminishers and Illuminators. Diminishers belittle and overlook others, while Illuminators actively seek to understand and befriend others. Brooks suggests that Illuminators cultivate a skill of appreciating and valuing people, emphasizing the importance of understanding in fostering meaningful relationships within society.

“Being an Illuminator, seeing other people in all their fullness, doesn’t just happen. It’s a craft, a set of skills, a way of life. Other cultures have words for this way of being. The Koreans call it nunchi, the ability to be sensitive to other people’s moods and thoughts. The Germans (of course) have a word for it: herzensbildung, training one’s heart to see the full humanity in another.”

Brooks discusses the intentional cultivation of empathy and understanding, particularly as embodied by Illuminators. He likens this quality to a craft, a set of skills, and a way of life. Brooks introduces terms from other cultures, such as “nunchi” in Korean and “herzensbildung” in German, both encapsulating the ability to be sensitive to others’ moods and thoughts, and training one’s heart to recognize the full humanity in another. The author emphasizes that being an